Friday, May 29, 2009

Climbing out of a hole...

(thanks to graham at flickr for the photo)

It's been a while. I've neglected you. Let me tell you where I've been.

It had been sneaking up on me kind of like Swiper from Dora the Explorer. Armed with very little but a snack cake or two (or twenty) I was pretty much defenseless against the strong wave of hopelessness and loneliness that washed over me. If all it took was the incantation used by Dora, "Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!! Swiper no swiping!!!", I would have triumphed over it. But the wave won and put me in a hole. A dash of self pity and a pinch of lethargy kept me there.

So why now? What has changed? Nothing...and everything. Nothing is that I'm still in Clinton and most all of the people I love and laugh with are nine hours from my embrace. Nothing is that I still continue to abuse myself with excess food and despise myself for it. Nothing is that we dance the same dance and know it well.

Everything is that I am starting a job in Columbia in just three days. Everything is that we are buying a house that doesn't feel like home but have very little choice here. Everything is that we are moving in less than a month. Everything is the time I planned to spend with my family and friends in July is gone. Everything and Nothing, that pretty much encompasses it all.

But, as I type these words out, I am reminded of a very simple phrase that has carried me through many a change. "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today". Acceptance of where I am living, of myself, of my choices, of others, and of what is... that is my goal today. Which is why I am being honest with you. No silly funny post to get a laugh or two. Just a simple embrace of what is and where I am.

I'm not out of that hole entirely. In fact, I can't say for sure that tomorrow I won't find myself a shovel and start digging deeper. But what I do know is that getting it out of the dark and giving it a voice many times takes away its power.
So maybe when I do see that wave sneaking up on me there would be no harm in saying out loud three times strongly, "Swiper no swiping!".

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1 comment:

jonathan said...

Whatever you do, don't mistake acceptance for learned helplessness. I think there's a huge difference. I love you, Kelly. Please take care of yourself!